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I spent my days at home, by myself, with two babies I had no idea what to do with, during the cold, gray Seattle spring.

My husband went off to work and the house would become silent.

Having gotten pregnant easily twice, we were optimistic about our chances for a third try. My husband, ever the optimist, was sure that if we just kept having lots of sex we’d be successful. I realized I was no longer in the driver’s seat – these babies were coming into my life in the next half-hour, and for the first time I seemed to understand what that was really going to mean.

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In fact, for three weeks I had been carrying a dead baby.

I went back home, sat on the floor of our newly painted baby room and wailed. Having twins was the biggest mistake I had ever made.

But a month before our first anniversary, my period was late.

I took a pregnancy test and remember seeing the lines on the First Response stick turn pink and feeling my knees buckle.

We couldn’t even fathom leaving the house because neither of us had the energy.

Before having the babies, I thought the children would be an addition to my life; I didn’t realize that my children would my life.

After two years of trying and almost 20,000 borrowed dollars, I finally had a successful pregnancy on my second cycle of IVF.

My husband of three years, Michael, was giddy, always patting my belly and thinking up terrible names for the kids (Captain Big Penis was a long-running favorite).

I couldn’t wait for this new phase in my life — I was happily married, turning thirty, and about to leave my part-time job training volunteers at a local hospital to stay at home with these two babies I had wanted very much.

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